50 Things Series
by 12crazythomas
Summary: Lists of things members of the Cullen family are not allowed to do. Orginally 50 Things Jasper Is Not Allowed To Do. It should probably be really funny if you haven't had sleep in over 24 hours. Don't have to review, just read it.
1. 50 Things Jasper Is Not Allowed To Do

_This just came to me, and it explains why Jasper always looks like he has a stick up his ass. He's not allowed to do any fun stuff! This is Fifty Things Jasper Is not Allowed to Do!_

…

1. Use Post-It Notes

2. Have _any_ supply of alcohol

3. Tell drunk gay sex stories about the Civil War

4. Watch Nick Swardon's Pretend Time

5. Quote stuff from Nick Swardon's Pretend Time

6. Go to strip clubs

7. Give Rosalie a haircut

8. Give Alice a haircut

9. Teach Edward how to French kiss

10. Teach Edward various sex positions

11. Get his skin bronzed

12. Get an odd nickname

13. Join Jersey Shore

14. Wear skinny jeans

15. Go to the hospital with Carlisle on Bring-A-Child-To-Work day

16. Tell Bella that Edward chose Jacob

17. Tell Edward that Bella chose Jacob

18. Tell Jacob that Bella chose Jessica

19. Pour _more_ glitter on the others

20. Go around Irish guys and scream "He's after me lucky charms!"

21. Sing show tunes at the local bar

22. Read the Twilight Saga

23. Watch the Twilight Saga

24. Egg Charlie's house during a "power orgy"

25. Go to the Volturi and ask for some sugar from Jane

26. Use his empathy powers to make random people horny

27. Play the Sims using real people he kidnapped

28. Go bar hopping with Emmett

29. Stick his "pee-pee" in the water hose

30. Argue with children under three

31. Go to a high school reunion and ask, "This isn't the class of 1865? My bad."

32. Go to a wedding to try to get a woman to sleep with him

33. Go to a funeral to try to get a woman to sleep with him

34. Go to a funeral/wedding to try get to a man to sleep with him

35. Hold up a vibrator in an adult shop and say loudly, "Edward will love this."

36. Shoot Bella and break the news to Edward

37. Scream, "I didn't enter!" as Edward runs after him with his pants pulled down

38. Make videos of intense conversation and put it on Youtube labeled "the talk."

39. Cut Carlisle's head out of photos and replace it with a Emmett throwing up booze

40. Make a list of things Jasper **can** do

41. Send letters labeled "Entry to Hogwarts denied because you are a total douche bag" to people

42. Stick his "pee-pee" in the toaster

43. Make pot brownies

44. Make crystal meth cupcakes

45. Wear tube tops and a witch's hat claiming to be a prostitute

46. Ask Alice to get a boob job

47. Ask Alice to wear a bag over her head while having sex

48. Ask Rosalie if she would participate in a power orgy with the other Cullens and Charlie

49. Ask Rosalie why he hasn't decided to have children yet

50. Dress up in old Civil War uniform and shout, "Drop down and give me 20!" at random people

...

_This doesn't make a shred of sense because I haven't had sleep in over 25 hours._


	2. 50 Things Carlisle Is Not Allowed To Do

_Because 50 Things Jasper Is Not Allowed To Do became so popular, I decided to write a sequel about Carlisle. Some of them may NOT seem like Carlisle, but that's only because you don't know him before this list was published! Can you spot the one that was also on 50JINATD? :3 Now, read and enjoy._

_Yeah, I moved it here as the next chapter because it's a series (technically) and should be combined as such._

…

50 Things Carlisle Is Not Allowed To Do

1. Tell patients that come in for a regular checkup that they have cancer.

2. Bring in _any_ of the Cullens on Bring-A-Child-To-Work Day.

3. Text random people.

4. Spy on Bella and Edward on their honeymoon.

5. Ask Jasper about the war.

6. Poke every single one of Jasper's scars asking, "Where did this one come from?"

7. Create an IMVU or Second-life account.

8. Recreate scenes from the movie Saw.

9. Watch Hetalia Axis Powers.

10. Save snowballs for summer.

11. Flirt with younger women.

12. Steal gloves and bio-hazard bags from work.

13. Try to dress in the "now."

14. Try to sell Bella to the Volturi.

15. Offer to accompany Renesmee on a date with Jacob for chaperone purposes.

16. During a conversation start screaming, "Make the voices stop!" for a few minutes and then resume the conversation as if that didn't happen.

17. Help out Esme with things she doesn't need help with.

18. Scream "Bad touch!" every time Jacob tries to kiss Renesmee.

19. Call Renesmee "that little mistake."

20. Make fun of people in a voice loud enough for them to hear.

21. Type loudly in cafe shops.

22. Dress up like a hobo and walk around with sign reading, "will work for blood."

23. Walk around, pretending to talk to self.

24. Go up to a 2nd floor window and scream out, "Jump! Do it! Jump!" at people walking on the sidewalk outside.

25. Have someone else screaming "Don't jump!"

26. Dangle friends/family members out a window by their hair.

27. Claim to be a superhero with glittery powers.

28. Wear a Snuggie out in public.

29. Talk s**t about other people on their Facebook/Myspace pages.

30. Make fake Facebook/Myspace pages to get dirt about self from other people

31. Play sports with humans.

32. Get competitve about sports with humans.

33. Eat dirt.

34. Eat soap.

35. Eat _any_ non edible objects.

36. Put nail polish on Edward/Emmett/Jasper while Newborn Bella holds them down.

37. Play dress up with people that had been kidnapped.

38. Film everything the family does, including the you-know-what.

39. Wrap gag Christmas presents.

40. Get into the _full_ April Fools Day spirit.

42. Call 911 claiming there's a bomb at a fake address.

42. Tape a bag of cereal to the bottom of someone's car and call 911 claiming it's drugs.

43. Drag race.

44. Teach vampire history in a class.

45. Like someone's status when someone writes "My dog/cat died today."

46. Adopt an animal.

47. Change government officials into vampires.

48. Steal blood bags from people currently donating that blood.

49. Make a list of things Carlisle _can_ do.

50. Advertise Rosalie on Craigslist.


	3. 50 Things Emmett Is Not Allowed To Do

_Okay, this has been done tons of times, but I just couldn't help myself! The stuff Emmett does is hilarious because he's stereotyped as a complete moron. See if you can spot the ones featured on the other two!_

_Yeah, I moved it here as the next chapter because it's a series (technically) and should be combined as such._

…

50 Things Emmett Is Not Allowed To Do

1. Nail teachers to walls and make a big show of it with video cameras and everything.

2. Swap the jocks underwear with frilly pink underwear when they have a shower after gym.

3. Tune all the radios someone's house to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

4. Play with the automatic doors at stores.

5. Drape a blanket around his shoulders and run around a Wal-Mart with a kidnapped person saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin - to the Batcave!" and then just run out of the store.

6. Wrestle with Edward.

7. Arguing about where the couch is supposed to go.

8. Manufacture moonshine.

9. Play with elevators.

10. Use children as those things you throw in the Olympics.

11. Dress up in clown makeup and shake Bella awake.

12. Do civil war reenactments with Jasper.

13. Dress up as Carrie from Sex and the City.

14. Sing karaoke.

15. Kidnap political figures and celebrities and make them "enjoy" their stay at the Cullen residence.

16. Turn the Cullen family into a reality show.

17. Order a pizza and specify that he's just "renting" it.

18. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

19. Give them Charlie's address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

20. Preach at a church. At all.

21. Make paper airplanes and toss them at Rosalie's "perfect" hair.

22. Accompany Jacob to wolf meets.

23. Dress up in frilly outfits and try to kiss any of the Cullen guys in public.

24. Visit Chat Roulette.

25. Advertise as a woman on Chat Roulette.

26. Run into a store in a strait-jacket screaming, "The Russians! The Cold War is coming again! Don't let them take us!"

27. Sell books with the pages ripped out.

28. Convince Jasper that Edward is in love with him.

29. Call for Carlisle to tuck him into bed and read him a bedtime story.

30. Go up to Esme, kiss her on the cheek, and say, "You're so pretty, mom. I don't get why dad goes to male strip clubs all the time. Oh, wait. I get it. Never mind," and then just walk away.

31. Rufi Jasper and Edward, then make it seem as if they did a Hangover, including a baby, a tiger, and everything.

32. Make a list of things Emmett _can_ do.

33. Kidnap one of the members of the Volturi and hold him for ransom, a ransom which includes a jar of pickles, a puppy, and keeping Rosalie with them.

34. Ask why Rosalie hates Bella so much.

35. Change his accent every three seconds during important and serious conversation.

36. Stare creepily at random people.

37. Buy a van that says, "Free Candy" and go around the neighborhood giving away candy.

38. Spray cans of shaving cream at Bella and shove her into a locker in the boy's shower room.

39. Let a completely naked guy open the locker and find her in there.

40. Call Bella to complain about his relationship with Rosalie. Later, call to say he was drunk and didn't mean it.

41. Poke every item in a store and asking, "What is this?"

42. Make pillow forts on airplanes.

43. Run around claiming to be a demigod and any who oppose will be murdered by his parent.

44. Play Harry Potter with sticks and the spells are rocks you throw at people.

45. Murder random people at prom and claim it's a Friday the 13th themed party.

46. Buy a short pony, glue a stick on it's head, and ride it around town claiming it's a vertically-challenged unicorn.

47. Run through the streets in frozen underwear screaming.

48. Go to a store and shout "No, not grandma!" to the ground meat.

49. Ask the manager how many monkeys were killed to make the meat mentioned above.

50. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."


End file.
